Schools teach reading, not comprehension.  Schools teach public speaking, not public ‘listening’.  Listening, in particular ‘Active Listening’ remains the rarest of skills. In order to become a good listener, one must first understand what a ‘bad’ listener does. Specifically, bad listeners practice ‘abandonment’.

Introducing Abandonment

The concept of ‘Abandonment’ is key to understanding mindful interactions. Abandonment is best explained via examples. Say you are out with your family – and you run into an old friend (who you really would rather spend time with). You have two options  – ditch your family and hang with the friend – or stick with the family – and promise to call your friend at the earliest. A lot of people would ditch their families – and families would insist that they are fine with that. They insist that they understand (after all , they ARE family !). However, this ‘ditching’ is a form of abandonment – even if everyone involved is seemingly okay with it. More importantly, a lot of people’s self-esteem suffers when you practice this form of ‘ditching’.

This was an example of an actual ‘physical exit’ as a form of abandonment. As this post will explain, abandonment includes much more than just ‘physically leaving’ a gathering (or a person).

Eye Contact and Abandonment

Avoiding eye contact is a form of abandonment.  When you meet someone eye-to-eye (in a non-hostile manner), you are effectively saying ‘I am here, I am listening’. We all learn about the importance of good eye contact – but few of us actually practice it.  Lack of self-confidence is one of the key reasons we avoid eye contact. If we have confidence in our own self – and see ourselves as ‘helpful’ (i.e. someone who has help to offer), there is no reason to avoid eye contact. At best, avoiding eye-contact presents oneself in a poor light, at worst – it amounts to abandonment (effectively rejecting the other person).

Active Listening and Abandonment

When we fail to provide a sympathetic ear, we are effectively ‘abandoning’ the speaker. It is  form of alienation – ‘what you are saying is not worth my time or energy’. This is completely antithetical to a Buddhist approach to life – and also antithetical to mindfulness. A mindful person can never fail in her listening duties – as she is already tuned in to listen to the Universe. By its very definition, being mindful implies being in listening mode. A mindful individual is an Active Listener – an Active listener is practicing a form of mindfulness. In contrast, the uninterested listener is practicing yet another form of abandonment.

Summary

Abandonment is an oft ignored concept in day to day people interactions. Abandonment takes several forms; one can abandon someone by merely not listening actively, by merely avoiding eye contact or by actually exiting from a gathering. All forms of abandonment are hurtful and nothing more than ‘masked rejections’.  Practicing mindfulness in day-to-day people interactions can help eliminate these veiled rejections.

Anuj holds professional certifications in Google Cloud, AWS as well as certifications in Docker and App Performance Tools such as New Relic. He specializes in Cloud Security, Data Encryption and Container Technologies.

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Anuj Varma – who has written posts on Anuj Varma, Hands-On Technology Architect, Clean Air Activist.

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